flesh and blood: part 1

 
MOM

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This is part one of a three part weekly series. These posts are about family- but more specifically, the women in my family. The women in my family are the people who have been in my life since birth. No man has known me as long.

The ironic thing about the title “Flesh and Blood” is that the only person in my life I am related to by blood is my mother. My dad, Arturo, had a few other wives when he first married my mom (OH THOSE MORMONS!). She didn’t know it at the time, and when she found out an annulment was quickly put into action. My dad left my life within the first few months of my being born, and the only things I have to remember him are the last name Alvarado and a card written in Spanish for my one year birthday (can anyone translate please?!?).

My mom was adopted, and in 2001 she reconnected with her birth mom. So although I do have a real flesh and blood grandma out there, she was not a part of my life growing up. I’ve had grandmas, and great grandmas, and great great grandmas who have been more than wonderful in filling the gap I have never actually felt without her.

I’ve never missed these people. The real blood. I’ve wondered about my dad and my inevitable half siblings, but there has never been a longing, nor a strong desire to seek out and meet them.

I see my biological Gma once or twice a year and although I am fond of her, this infrequent contact is just frequent enough. I don't mean to sound cold about it, and I don't feel cold about it, but it's strange for me to try to reconnect with someone I've never known. My mom has a harder time than I do. I honestly feel bad for Joan: every time I see her (which is always when I'm with my mom) I can tell how much it hurts her to have missed out on so many years. She always sends birthday and Christmas cards. She is elated to see us at the family reunion each year. I can see she tries hard to find some kind of balance between the ghost of the past that still haunts her and the reality of us being here now.  Part of that reality is the fact that not only does my mom not need her, she's also not exactly overjoyed and enthusiastic about trying to make some kind of friendship. It makes me sad to see. She wants to be a part of our lives but at the same time fears being intrusive. How does one go about even beginning to deal with that?

I am told I have my father's hair and long fingers and toes and 'artistic ability.' I am told he was a REAL big pal and sweet and nice to everyone- and I'm convinced that's why he had other wives. ;) Who could resist?! Here's a little story about Arturo:

When I was 17 I left on a trip to Mexico with my mom and step dad and boyfriend at the time. When we got to the airport at 5am to check in for our flight, my mom presented my birth certificate to the woman who was checking us in. 'Where's the note from her dad?' she asked my mom. APPARENTLY if you are (were?) under 18 and not with both parents you MUST have a NOTE from the other parent stating you have their permission to leave the country. UM. WTF?!?

FLASHBACK 17 YEARS:
My mom still hadn't given birth to me when the multiple wives ordeal went down. My dad left (because my family made him) before I was born but with the knowledge of my birth date, expected to be May 4th. He was going to come back that day to see me. But what a little trickster, I was born on the 3rd! And since my dad wasn't there, he didn't sign the birth certificate.

FLASH FORWARD 17 YEARS:
So there we are. In the airport. WTFs and ARE YOU SERIOUSES and WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE HE ISes abound. 'But I have full custody!' my mom told the woman. 'Well then I need to see the custody papers.' So we called any and everyone we knew, in Roseburg, at 5am, to see if there was anyone who could 1) break into our house, 2) rifle through a damn cedar chest full of memories, and 3) fax said papers to us from god knows where. Well y'all, just as we were starting to seriously think we'd have to push our flight back a few days and cry for missing out on that warm Cabo sun, my mom had a thought- 'HE DIDN'T EVEN SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE! HIS NAME IS NOT EVEN ON HERE!' Then the woman: 'Oh... OHHH! RUN!' So we ran to catch our flight, and just barely made it. But we did, and if Arturo had signed those papers I would have missed a horseback ride on the beach that left me unable to walk for two days. ;)

My mom gave birth to me when she was 20 years old. While I was growing up she managed to work full time, attend school nights and weekends for 11 years, and try her hardest to raise me the best she knew how. When I was younger I really resented her not being around; she had a lot of responsibilities. She was young. And she did what she could to make a living for us, but I have very clear thoughts of the babysitter coming over while she was getting ready to go out and party. For some reason, some of the sharpest memories I have are the ones of her leaving, not being around for whatever reason- as opposed to the times I know we did share at the beach, or the zoo, or wherever we may have been together. I spent a ton of time with my grandparents while she worked- more on them next week. I can't help but wonder if this is part of the reason we aren't very close now: she thinks I don't like her very much, and I think she doesn't care to hear what I have to say, even though I'm pretty sure she's dying to be told any little detail I will give her. Sometimes when I try to talk to her she doesn't practice her active listening skills and it turns from a story I'm telling to what she did that day before I can even finish what I have to say. It's frustrating.

I don't know how to bridge the gap! I don't know how to travel the distance to bring us closer together. I keep thinking things will get better as we get older but it's almost as though maybe it's getting harder. Maybe I'm just stubborn? We are so very different: she is super religious (which you will hear about in a minute), though not in an icky way I guess; doesn't know me well enough to know I think it's highly offensive and depressing (honestly I have trouble finding humor in this) that she keeps asking when I'm going to have children so she can have grandchildren (O.M.G.); doesn't always have the open mind I wish she could. Which is a big part of the reason I stopped trying to tell her things. Oh MOMS. I'm not EVEN saying I have it hard, or have ever had it hard- because in the grand scheme of things I know I DON'T. Plenty of people, millions of people, have even worse things going on with their mothers- and I wouldn't even necessarily say our relationship is BAD- if that's saying anything. I just want to be real and honest about how we are. It is hard to admit these things sometimes. One thing I have been working on lately, in regards to all relationships in my life, is not comparing them to other relationships. This includes romantic relationships, friendships, work relationships, and yes- family! I'm not a part of a family I see in movies or even hear about in real life, in which the mom and daughter pal around, tell each other secrets, and understand each other. I'm not in a movie romance full of huge dramas where I'm always needing to be saved (thank goodness). I'm not working for some high powered executive who is part of a company that flies me to Italy for work. These things are A. O. K. What my mom and I have is a real relationship full of complications and misunderstandings and stubbornness and resentment on both of our parts I am sure, but there is L-O-V-E. And that is very important.

Of all the things I do know: she is really, really sweet, with a big fat huge heart and a dream to help almost everyone she meets. She did indeed work her ass off to make sure we didn't sleep in a cardboard box at night and also eat cardboard for dinner. I truly and deeply appreciate this. She has one of the most fantastic senses of humor of anyone I've ever met. She wants the best for me. And I do love her, a whole big bunch. And she loves me too.

STATS

FULL NAME: Julia Dean Knapp

HOMETOWN: Roseburg, OR
SLEEPS: In my bedroom with a noisemaker and the tv on. My dog spoons with me.

MARITAL STATUS: Married, 9 years

FAVORITE FOOD: Mexican Food

WHICH IS YOUR FAVORITE: SPRING OR AUTUMN? 

Spring…everything seems to come “alive” again after the cold winter months. The flowers are blooming and Spring is a prelude to SUMMER! WOO HOO! Spring reminds me of life. A new fresh life.

SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO DO THAT YOU HAVEN'T DONE FOR AWHILE- OR EVER?  
Play hacky sac…….sigh..I LOVE hacky sac.

IS THERE ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE YOU'RE DOING NOW THAT YOU DIDN'T IMAGINE YOU WOULD BE DOING 10 YEARS AGO?

Yea, working in a church after losing a career. Never dreamed that in a million years. :”I” had my life all planned out but God had another plan for me. I have learned a lot about myself and have grown to know Jesus more and can’t imagine my life without Him. He made me realize that I am somebody and I am loved.

DESCRIBE YOUR IDEAL DAY OFF.

My ideal day off would be to spend it with my husband watching movies all day.

HOW ARE YOUR FARMVILLE CROPS DOING?

Fine for the moment. They withered once and I had to convince some of my friends to use their “5 a days” to help me salvage some of them as they were worth too much too loose. So after a day I was able to save half of my crops. I plowed over the other half and thought… screw it, it’s only money.

ANY ADVICE FOR PEOPLE MY AGE?

Don’t take your life for granted. Be thankful. Love people. Don’t drink and drive. Get to know Jesus- He’s pretty cool.

 Yes, on this sunny and warm fall day, my mom was casually dressed in a leopard print top. WHAT OF IT.

 You may think Ruger looks terrified, but trust me, his face is always that way.

I was thinking about disabling comments on this, but I realized it would be really neat if you pals could say something, anything you would like to- about moms in general, or your mom, or my mom. Let's talk about moms!

Several years ago she married my step dad. He is really great and I'm very happy he is in her life. Here is their Christmas card from last year:

I couldn't even put that together in Photoshop, ya'll. Amazing.
<3