flesh and blood: part 2

GRANDMA

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One of the earliest memories I have is of being at my Gma Loya’s house. She lived on the Oregon coast- I was in my high chair, eating who knows what, undoubtedly making a mess. There was a plastic mat (more like a sheet, really) she always put down under my chair for easy clean up while I gobbled. I remember looking down at it. The mat had a cartoon image of a baby bending over with her big white diaper in the air- “Bottoms Up,” it read below her behind. That’s the memory. I will never forget this! I was probably a little less than a year old.

Most of the memories from my childhood involve my grandmothers. While my mom was working full time and going to school nights and weekends, they were the ones who took good care of me. I stayed at my Grandma Loya’s most week nights- I played with her dogs, watched tv, did homework, and spent a good amount of time playing games on the internet. We ate delicious things and she enrolled me in classes at the local arts center. She was fun, understanding, and easy to talk to- when she asked me about boys she never sounded nosy, or judgmental, or like she was about to ground me for kissing at the skating rink. Having already raised one unruly child, she knew the ropes- something I am thankful for.

The times I would get in trouble with her there was never any yelling, or spanking, or banishment to my room. I resent so much the yelling and the spanking that did come my way- young mothers take heed! There was always an explanation of why what I had done or not done had disappointed her. Her telling me she was disappointed was one of The. Worst. Things. In. The. World- the weight it carried versus an explosion of anger affected me far more deeply than any other kind of discipline in my life. But one of the truly amazing things about her in those times was her ability to empathize. Even if she was upset she understood I must be feeling pretty stupid or embarrassed or regretful for what I had done, and she let me know. For example:

Seventh grade. Just a few hours before one of our junior high dances. A pal and I (CHANTELL I’M TALKIN’ ‘BOUT YOU GIRL! :) took a little trip to WalMart where we stuffed our pockets full of tiny flower hairclips, sparkly lip gloss, and pretty little nail polishes. We tried to buy some Oreos in a thinly veiled attempt at innocence, but we got CAUGHT. The cops even came. There were mug shots. There was unloading all of our illegal treasures into a basket and totaling up the damages. There were a few tears though I tried to keep good spirits through the whole thing… it wasn’t the end of the world, right?! When all was said and done and we were forbidden to enter any WalMart in the world for the rest of our lives (l.o.l WalMart), my mom came and picked us up. I could tell she was really really angry, but her anger honestly didn’t bother me. I didn’t care. I couldn’t stop thinking about what Grandma Loya would say. I didn’t want her to judge me. I didn’t want to let her down, and I knew I had. I kept everything together, even laughing when my mom said in a fit, ‘And you are NOT going to that dance tonight!’ (I mean srsly, who wouldn’t have a giggle about that?!). It was when she dropped me off at my Grandma’s- either because she was too angry to look at me or she had something to do, I don’t remember- that I pretty much fell apart. I couldn’t stop crying. At that point I did think my life was over- totally the end of the world. OMG Gma this is going on my record. OMG Gma will I be able to get my license? OMG Gma I really wanted to go to the daaaaaaaaaaaance, CRY CRY! In her usual fashion, she explained she was not pleased. But she didn’t hesitate to mention: It’s not the end of the world. This too is going to pass. Give it a few weeks and it’ll all be behind you. Don’t worry about it Turtle, I think you’ve learned your lesson. Yes, her nickname for me is Turtle.

Sigh. Really Gma? Does it get anymore loving than that? I don’t remember if I was grounded at home or not, but I had so little respect for my mom during that period of my life I really didn’t care either way. Which brings me to something I always wonder about:

Respect. How did I have such respect for my grandmother and at the same time try to stomp all over my mom? What did my Gma do, or say for me to hold her in such high esteem? Was it just because she was older? I distinctly remember her always keeping her cool- she never lost it with me (semi-related note: was the one who taught me how to drive because my mom couldn’t take the heat). Maybe it’s that I felt like she really treated me with respect- like I had important or interesting things to say, like I deserved to be heard, and like she really wanted to listen. A lot of times I felt like my mom was too busy to listen. I hate saying that now, but it’s the truth; sometimes I still feel that way. My grandma has always had a way of being interested and involved without being judgmental or controlling. When I was in high school I was outraged by George W. I puff painted a different negative thing about him on my rear windshield every week. My mom and step dad would not let me park in their driveway; they were afraid the neighbors would think my views were theirs. I remember thinking my Grandma would never give a rat’s ass what the neighbors might say.

But maybe she would. One of the places we differ most is politics... you will hear about that shortly. I don't like talking about politics, I hate the idea, and it seems like she wants to talk about what Obama's doing wrong in almost every conversation. Why would I even bring something like that up? It's typically irrelevant. But I can let it go because Grandma Loya really is one amazing lady. She’s lived all over the world, seen all kinds of things, battles Chron’s disease, has had 2.5 heart attacks, and is still alive and kicking. Doctors told her she might have to have her foot amputated- if not now, then later. She totally stuck it to them by making a nearly full recovery- she’s still on her way. She hardly ever falters in her determination, and if she does she rarely shows it. She is an inspiration in so many ways, and I am positive that when and if I become a mother I will be taking things I’ve learned from her with me down that road. She’s taught me so many important lessons including not to judge, to love a lot, to treat everyone with respect, not to let money rule your life, and the importance of being happy with what you have. What a woman!

That's Gma Loya on the right, enjoying some ice creams with Great Gma Hicks, whom you will met next week.

STATS

FULL NAME: Loya Jean Weaver

HOMETOWN: Astoria, OR (currently lives in Roseburg)

SLEEPS: I don't sleep very much... in my chair, in my bed, next to my husband when I do sleep

MARITAL STATUS: married 50 years come July 22nd of 2011

FAVORITE FOOD: vegetables, mainly green

TELL US ABOUT A MEMORY FROM YOUR YOUNG ADULTHOOD THAT REALLY STANDS OUT.

I think the most exciting thing for me was the birth of our daughter and then our granddaughter. These two wonderful occasions in my life made me feel complete. I have loved watching the two of them grow up into the fine loving young women they are. I am very proud of them both and hope in some small way I have had some influence on the people they have become.

SOMETHING YOU WOULD LIKE TO DO THAT YOU HAVEN'T DONE IN A WHILE- OR EVER?

Ride an elephant. I would also love to go back to Spain. 

WHERE IN THE WORLD HAS BEEN YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO HAVE LIVED? WHY?
Spain. This country drips with history and the people were so warm and inviting to us. I loved every single day I lived there and simply loved the scenery of the castles, the cobble stone streets, and the small little villages we would visit on the sides of hills with their narrow streets and very clean and painted buildings. The fields, the ocean, and every place you looked was beauty. 

WHAT WERE YOUR MOST INTERESTING CHILDHOOD PETS?
Raccoons & turtles. I actually had a couple raccoons. Believe it or not they were great buddies of mine and I dearly did enjoy them. My dad built a big cage for them in the back yard but when I was home from school etc I had them out in the yard. They made wonderful pets for the most part. 

PLEASE DESCRIBE A QUALITY YOU ADMIRE IN OTHER PEOPLE.
Humility, honesty, a person that knows the true meaning of being a friend, a person with high morals, a person that has respect for others and loves their country. People that are not quitters.  I admire hard working people that will keep trying no matter what the job is.  I really admire a person that is not afraid or embarrassed to admit when they are wrong and will make amends when necessary. People, that is a "Class Act" as we used to say in my generation. That is people who seem to know how to handle themselves in all situations and can hold onto their tempers when need be. I really admire people that can forgive others. I have a lot of admiration for any one that can put themselves out for others even if they may not feel up to it. That to me is a wonderful quality to have. Being a good listener and keeping what is told you in confidence. I like people that don't judge others as after all you never know what they are going through. I like prompt people and I really like to have friends and family in my life that their word is their bond. You can rely on them. That is a wonderful character as far as I am concerned. I really like those that can show their love for others and have you feel it from them. There are a lot of qualities I like about people but more I dislike but that's another day's writing. 

ANY ADVICE FOR PEOPLE MY AGE?  
Not really.  Oh I could come up with a ton of do's and dont's, however by the time you have hit your years of being in the 20's I figure you have a lot more to experience of course and learn but by this time all of the seeds have been planted in your lives by your families and it's now up to you to help those seeds grow. You will make mistakes but hey so did my generation and many more before and after me. I can say be true to yourselves and your dreams and convictions. And never count your money before it's firmly in your hand.  Your generation will do the same things that others have and that is your values and your dreams and your victories and your failures will come and go and you will survive each and every one of them if you have the character to do so. Just know in your hearts if you make a mistake it's okay , after all a mistake is only a lesson waiting to be learned. Go forward and enjoy life, work hard, save part of your money for those rainy days and don't drink too much. You will be fine.  

&&&  
I have always been a person that believed that God gave me a brain and that brain He wanted me to use.  I have never been a person that went with the herd but instead I would decide for myself what was right and what was wrong. I have had to walk away from situations in my life many times that "all the other people were doing" when it would have been easier to follow. Right now in history your generation has inherited a royal mess in this country but that doesn't mean you as a people can't use your brains and turn things around not only for your lives but for the lives of the next generation. So investigate be interested in your surroundings and know this: you come from a country that is great and has been blessed and Americans are a great people no matter what is being fed to us these days. We are a people of being the most generous to others and have built a great country. Not always right but we are still the best thing going on. So instead of letting a hand full of radical people tear us down band together and fight back and make this country great again.  Your generation can do it. There are many things in this country that need to be fixed of course, however when we turn our lives and our wills and our knowledge over to a few people that do not have our interest as a people it will be the end of us as we know life. Frankly after living for 70 years as I have now I sure wish I had of been more aware of what a blessing I had been given by being born in America. I am very much a patriot but also can be a pinhead too. But stay true to your dreams and always remember their is always more than one way to get the job done. Love your families as your families will always be your very very best friends. There you go, the ramblings of an old lady. 

 

 QUIT TAKIN MAH PICTUREZ

Dear Gramma,

If you were worried about whether or not you've influenced who I am today, you just stop it right now. Of course the answer is yes yes yes.

<3

flesh and blood: part 1

 
MOM

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This is part one of a three part weekly series. These posts are about family- but more specifically, the women in my family. The women in my family are the people who have been in my life since birth. No man has known me as long.

The ironic thing about the title “Flesh and Blood” is that the only person in my life I am related to by blood is my mother. My dad, Arturo, had a few other wives when he first married my mom (OH THOSE MORMONS!). She didn’t know it at the time, and when she found out an annulment was quickly put into action. My dad left my life within the first few months of my being born, and the only things I have to remember him are the last name Alvarado and a card written in Spanish for my one year birthday (can anyone translate please?!?).

My mom was adopted, and in 2001 she reconnected with her birth mom. So although I do have a real flesh and blood grandma out there, she was not a part of my life growing up. I’ve had grandmas, and great grandmas, and great great grandmas who have been more than wonderful in filling the gap I have never actually felt without her.

I’ve never missed these people. The real blood. I’ve wondered about my dad and my inevitable half siblings, but there has never been a longing, nor a strong desire to seek out and meet them.

I see my biological Gma once or twice a year and although I am fond of her, this infrequent contact is just frequent enough. I don't mean to sound cold about it, and I don't feel cold about it, but it's strange for me to try to reconnect with someone I've never known. My mom has a harder time than I do. I honestly feel bad for Joan: every time I see her (which is always when I'm with my mom) I can tell how much it hurts her to have missed out on so many years. She always sends birthday and Christmas cards. She is elated to see us at the family reunion each year. I can see she tries hard to find some kind of balance between the ghost of the past that still haunts her and the reality of us being here now.  Part of that reality is the fact that not only does my mom not need her, she's also not exactly overjoyed and enthusiastic about trying to make some kind of friendship. It makes me sad to see. She wants to be a part of our lives but at the same time fears being intrusive. How does one go about even beginning to deal with that?

I am told I have my father's hair and long fingers and toes and 'artistic ability.' I am told he was a REAL big pal and sweet and nice to everyone- and I'm convinced that's why he had other wives. ;) Who could resist?! Here's a little story about Arturo:

When I was 17 I left on a trip to Mexico with my mom and step dad and boyfriend at the time. When we got to the airport at 5am to check in for our flight, my mom presented my birth certificate to the woman who was checking us in. 'Where's the note from her dad?' she asked my mom. APPARENTLY if you are (were?) under 18 and not with both parents you MUST have a NOTE from the other parent stating you have their permission to leave the country. UM. WTF?!?

FLASHBACK 17 YEARS:
My mom still hadn't given birth to me when the multiple wives ordeal went down. My dad left (because my family made him) before I was born but with the knowledge of my birth date, expected to be May 4th. He was going to come back that day to see me. But what a little trickster, I was born on the 3rd! And since my dad wasn't there, he didn't sign the birth certificate.

FLASH FORWARD 17 YEARS:
So there we are. In the airport. WTFs and ARE YOU SERIOUSES and WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE HE ISes abound. 'But I have full custody!' my mom told the woman. 'Well then I need to see the custody papers.' So we called any and everyone we knew, in Roseburg, at 5am, to see if there was anyone who could 1) break into our house, 2) rifle through a damn cedar chest full of memories, and 3) fax said papers to us from god knows where. Well y'all, just as we were starting to seriously think we'd have to push our flight back a few days and cry for missing out on that warm Cabo sun, my mom had a thought- 'HE DIDN'T EVEN SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE! HIS NAME IS NOT EVEN ON HERE!' Then the woman: 'Oh... OHHH! RUN!' So we ran to catch our flight, and just barely made it. But we did, and if Arturo had signed those papers I would have missed a horseback ride on the beach that left me unable to walk for two days. ;)

My mom gave birth to me when she was 20 years old. While I was growing up she managed to work full time, attend school nights and weekends for 11 years, and try her hardest to raise me the best she knew how. When I was younger I really resented her not being around; she had a lot of responsibilities. She was young. And she did what she could to make a living for us, but I have very clear thoughts of the babysitter coming over while she was getting ready to go out and party. For some reason, some of the sharpest memories I have are the ones of her leaving, not being around for whatever reason- as opposed to the times I know we did share at the beach, or the zoo, or wherever we may have been together. I spent a ton of time with my grandparents while she worked- more on them next week. I can't help but wonder if this is part of the reason we aren't very close now: she thinks I don't like her very much, and I think she doesn't care to hear what I have to say, even though I'm pretty sure she's dying to be told any little detail I will give her. Sometimes when I try to talk to her she doesn't practice her active listening skills and it turns from a story I'm telling to what she did that day before I can even finish what I have to say. It's frustrating.

I don't know how to bridge the gap! I don't know how to travel the distance to bring us closer together. I keep thinking things will get better as we get older but it's almost as though maybe it's getting harder. Maybe I'm just stubborn? We are so very different: she is super religious (which you will hear about in a minute), though not in an icky way I guess; doesn't know me well enough to know I think it's highly offensive and depressing (honestly I have trouble finding humor in this) that she keeps asking when I'm going to have children so she can have grandchildren (O.M.G.); doesn't always have the open mind I wish she could. Which is a big part of the reason I stopped trying to tell her things. Oh MOMS. I'm not EVEN saying I have it hard, or have ever had it hard- because in the grand scheme of things I know I DON'T. Plenty of people, millions of people, have even worse things going on with their mothers- and I wouldn't even necessarily say our relationship is BAD- if that's saying anything. I just want to be real and honest about how we are. It is hard to admit these things sometimes. One thing I have been working on lately, in regards to all relationships in my life, is not comparing them to other relationships. This includes romantic relationships, friendships, work relationships, and yes- family! I'm not a part of a family I see in movies or even hear about in real life, in which the mom and daughter pal around, tell each other secrets, and understand each other. I'm not in a movie romance full of huge dramas where I'm always needing to be saved (thank goodness). I'm not working for some high powered executive who is part of a company that flies me to Italy for work. These things are A. O. K. What my mom and I have is a real relationship full of complications and misunderstandings and stubbornness and resentment on both of our parts I am sure, but there is L-O-V-E. And that is very important.

Of all the things I do know: she is really, really sweet, with a big fat huge heart and a dream to help almost everyone she meets. She did indeed work her ass off to make sure we didn't sleep in a cardboard box at night and also eat cardboard for dinner. I truly and deeply appreciate this. She has one of the most fantastic senses of humor of anyone I've ever met. She wants the best for me. And I do love her, a whole big bunch. And she loves me too.

STATS

FULL NAME: Julia Dean Knapp

HOMETOWN: Roseburg, OR
SLEEPS: In my bedroom with a noisemaker and the tv on. My dog spoons with me.

MARITAL STATUS: Married, 9 years

FAVORITE FOOD: Mexican Food

WHICH IS YOUR FAVORITE: SPRING OR AUTUMN? 

Spring…everything seems to come “alive” again after the cold winter months. The flowers are blooming and Spring is a prelude to SUMMER! WOO HOO! Spring reminds me of life. A new fresh life.

SOMETHING YOU'D LIKE TO DO THAT YOU HAVEN'T DONE FOR AWHILE- OR EVER?  
Play hacky sac…….sigh..I LOVE hacky sac.

IS THERE ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE YOU'RE DOING NOW THAT YOU DIDN'T IMAGINE YOU WOULD BE DOING 10 YEARS AGO?

Yea, working in a church after losing a career. Never dreamed that in a million years. :”I” had my life all planned out but God had another plan for me. I have learned a lot about myself and have grown to know Jesus more and can’t imagine my life without Him. He made me realize that I am somebody and I am loved.

DESCRIBE YOUR IDEAL DAY OFF.

My ideal day off would be to spend it with my husband watching movies all day.

HOW ARE YOUR FARMVILLE CROPS DOING?

Fine for the moment. They withered once and I had to convince some of my friends to use their “5 a days” to help me salvage some of them as they were worth too much too loose. So after a day I was able to save half of my crops. I plowed over the other half and thought… screw it, it’s only money.

ANY ADVICE FOR PEOPLE MY AGE?

Don’t take your life for granted. Be thankful. Love people. Don’t drink and drive. Get to know Jesus- He’s pretty cool.

 Yes, on this sunny and warm fall day, my mom was casually dressed in a leopard print top. WHAT OF IT.

 You may think Ruger looks terrified, but trust me, his face is always that way.

I was thinking about disabling comments on this, but I realized it would be really neat if you pals could say something, anything you would like to- about moms in general, or your mom, or my mom. Let's talk about moms!

Several years ago she married my step dad. He is really great and I'm very happy he is in her life. Here is their Christmas card from last year:

I couldn't even put that together in Photoshop, ya'll. Amazing.
<3